Broken Love

In my life, I wasn’t always dealt the greatest deck of cards. I have had a good life but there have been times in my life where I didn’t feel that no one cared or loved who I was. In college there was a time where I didn’t believe that we had a loving Heavenly Father who wanted us to have a good life. I was given the greatest opportunity of being a college athlete. I was lucky to have the chance to run cross country and track and field everyday. I was competing almost every weekend and I was doing what I loved to do that most. Running became my life and passion. It was everything to me. However, when all was going good, I was hit with the largest obstacle of all time for me. I was diagnosed with Hip Dyspepsia, a condition that causes my hip bone to have bone on bone rubbing. It is one of the most painful things to experience in life. This diagnose caused me to never compete again. I had to say goodbye to my passion in life. I had to complete give up everything that I knew in life. At that time, I was beyond hurt. I questioned if God loved me. I couldn’t understand if I had a God that loved me then why did he take away the thing that I loved the most. I couldn’t grasp why my Heavenly Father would give a 21 year old boy a condition that most people don’t get until they are at least 80. I was being told things about a hip replacement and things about arthritis. As a young man, these were words that I didn’t imagine to be a thought or even considered. I felt betrayed to say the least. So I did the worst idea ever, I stopped doing the things that I knew to be true. I stopped following my Heavenly Father’s commandments and I started to live a bit of rebellious life.  At that time, I lost! I couldn’t figure out what I didn’t to do. I had feeling of guilt, shame, and I was holding too much in. I was a wreak! I needed help. At the end of July, I began packing all my things so that I could move back home. I came across my Book Of Mormon. Looking at it, I felt that it was pointless that I should have it. For some reason, I started flipping through it. I stopped at Alma 5:26: “And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask you, can ye feel so now?” For some odd reason, it hit me so strong. I knew before this experience that my Heavenly Father loved me. While reading that, I felt the spirit so strong. So in that moment, I knelt down and prayed for the first time in about seven month. I prayed and asked “Heavenly Father do you love me?” “Do you love me? and if so, will you show me so right now!” I closed my prayer and just sat there. For the first time in my life, I felt the spirit so strong. I felt a feeling that I couldn’t hold back. It was warmth, it was peace, it was too big for me hold in. I felt in my chest. Beyond anything else, I felt and knew that my Heavenly Father loved me. I knew it and can’t deny it.  Having hip dyspepsia isn’t something that has been easy for me and I wish that in that moment that I was ok with having it. There are still days that I question why I have it. There are days that I wonder will ever go away. However, I am grateful to have it because had I never been given it, I would have never knew for a fact that my Heavenly Father loves me. Being a Mormon gives hope too because I know that once I am resurrected that I will be healed because my Savior Jesus Christ broke the bands of death for us. When we are resurrected, we all receive a perfected body.   

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About rileyfrazier

I am a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am currently in the Florida Jacksonville Mission. Being a missionary has been a huge blessing for me and I am grateful to have the chance to share a message about Jesus Christ to others. I am from Washington State and I went to college in Montana. I was blessed with the privilege of being a college athlete in Cross Country and Track and Field. Running is my favorite thing to do. I am bit of hipster and like to have a loud crazy life. View all posts by rileyfrazier

2 responses to “Broken Love

  • Kori

    Thank you for writing about this, it’s an area that I struggled with as well. You know as well as any, that I had been married and relocated about 500 miles away from my childhood hometown. During these 3 years spent away from home and living the married life I learned a lot about who I was, my role as a wife, and I was learning what I loved in life. Out of the blue, my husband at the time had presented me with the idea of a divorce. Immediately, I questioned God’s love for me. Why, why would He put me through something so terribly painful if He loved me so? I was depressed, angry, and upset with just about everything and everyone in my life at that time. Including our Heavenly Father. I had hit a bottom, where I felt that I had no one, so I felt for some reason it would be a good idea to verbally express myself to the good Lord above. Weeping, I spilled out my heart to Him, told him how alone I felt, how lost I was, and how more than ever I would need serious guidance. Over the next few days, I felt a lot more at peace with not only myself, but the situation at hand. He was certainly showing me that He was there for me, and that I could rely on Him for whatever the need may be, that He has a different plan for me that what I had for myself. So whenever someone feels like there’s no more hope, they should have a talk with God, just be reminded of the love that He has for each and every one of us.

    • rileyfrazier

      Kori thank you for writing your story on here. The Savior’s love is one that is so hard at times for us to find and its hard in the struggles that we have. However, its always there for us. He is the one that we have to turn to in these hardships. He can be the one that can lift up in times of need. He is the one that we can turn to for our strength. I don’t always know why we go through the struggles or the trials that we do go through but it is comforting to know that we have his love at all times. Its funny cause when we need him the most, we usually turn the other way. We tend to do the opposite when really we should go towards him. I hope that I can continue to help you!

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