Sometimes I wonder
Sometimes I think about you and wonder what life would be like with you here. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you choose to be apart of my life like fathers do. I look in the mirror and wonder what part of me is you. I imagine my big blue eyes come from you or perhaps my jaw line. I think of all the things we could have done like fathers do.
I wonder if you’d be proud of the person I’ve became. I wonder if you’d be proud to say that you were glad to call me son like fathers do. I imagine you would have been grateful to know I went and got an education or even took the family name to places it’s never been before. How you would have been when I won a race or even got an a in school like fathers do.
Sometimes I wonder what our father campouts would have been like. Would we have had a nice tent that actually stayed up through the night? What it would have been like to not share a tent or be the third wheel to another’s moment to grow closer. I often think I would have perhaps made it through the scouting program if you were here to help me earn a badge like fathers do.
I wonder why you choose to leave and not have any part of me. I wonder what was great in your life that caused you to do something that other fathers do. I think of all the struggles that came from my mom trying to do her best but just couldn’t give what fathers do. I think of all the tears in the mirror knowing you choose to leave. Yet I don’t have a picture to call you by face but sometimes I wonder what you be like.
Sometimes I wonder if I can can ever solve this creator you caused. Sometimes I think I’d be better off with you in my life. I don’t know what life would be like if you were here to do what fathers do. However, your not and I must continue on ward in this life. I have to hold my head held high and let you go like my father did.
I wonder if you think about me. If you want to be apart of my life like fathers do. I wonder if I ever play a part in your life at all. I wonder if you look in the mirror and try to see what part of you is me. If you ever have a desire to do what fathers do. I wonder if you ever want that chance to have me in your life at all.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever loose sleep thinking about me. I wonder if you ever want to even know my face. If you want to know what I’ve chosen to make out of my life. I tell myself you think about me and even say a prayer for my name like fathers do.
I wonder if I’ll really stop thinking about you. If I’ll just realize that your never going to be around like fathers do. I come to learn what not to do. I’ve learned how not to replay the cycle. I know your gone and that’s ok. You’ll never here and I’ve come to be ok with that. For whatever reason you left is yours but as for me, I know now how to find joy with out. Just sometimes I wonder….
As I face my problems, I am learning to let go of the things that hold me back in life. I am learning to give everything up that I hold deep inside me. I’m hoping to let things go and to give it all up.