All my life, I have fought with the aspect that families can be together for ever. Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have been taught that families are an eternal perspective. That families can be sealed together for all time and eternity. I have been taught that God gave us families as a blessing. Needless to say, I have struggled badly with this aspect. I have often questioned if it truly was something that really existed. Growing up the way I did made it hard for me to see that families are really a great thing at all. This then made me angry, bitter, sad, and scared every time people discussed eternal families.
Growing up without my real father made life very difficult. I have often thought he left because of me. I was angry! Then growing up with a stepfather that was more on the abusive side made things even more frustrating. Both of these situations essentially made me to never want to be married and to never want to have children. I am always scarred that I will leave when things get hard or perhaps abusive to what God has given me. I became terrified to have a family.
Going on a mission has been very hard because I have to preach every day that families are forever. I have had to talk about how blessings come from eternal marriage. Needless to say, I just don’t speak about it. I let my companion teach the whole lesson on it. I will just sit there and chime in every now and then. God has blessed me with amazing companions, all six have come from large families with parents that have been sealed in the temple. Needless to say I have been jealous of each them. At times it has annoyed me with how much all of them have wanted to be married and have large amounts of kids. At times I have often found it disgusting. However, I am very grateful for these great men in my life. These six amazing men have taught me so much. One in particular has really helped to just get it out of my head and say the things in person, something that I struggle with.
As I am going forward in life, I am learning how important it is to have an eternal family. A few weeks ago, I realized that I yearn for an eternal companion one day. I actually want to be married. This is a big step. Today, I realized for the first time how important children are in life. How having a family is essential in life. Believe it or not, I actually want a family. Not saying I am all gun hoe on the idea of cheaper by the dozen status but children actually seem like a reality in my life. I look forward to the day where I can have a family of my own. The Lord has really been showing forth his love with me. He has been so patient in teaching this life lesson to me