In the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are taught to forgive and forget. We are taught that true repentance is when we move forward in our life and we don’t take the past with us. We have to learn from the past but we can’t let it be dealt on.
The hardest type of forgiving can come when one abandoned you. When one left you stranded with questions of wondering why. For years, this abandoned love can really take its toll on us. Thoughts, questions, and memories begin to haunt our mind because of it. We begin to blame ourselves and find fault in ourselves because of this abandonment, which is wrong. For whatever reason that person chose to leave and they are forever gone. They tell us to “just get over it” but getting over it is harder than it seems. The worst type of abandonment can come with the loss of a parent.
I’ve never met my father. I don’t know who he is or what he looks like for the most part. He left when I was an infant. Growing up was fun with a single mother but it became very difficult. It became embarrassing though time. I grew up in a small town where the rumors are more than true and in a church where everything was centered on the family. I felt like the fact that I didn’t have a father was constantly being shoved in my face. More so, I didn’t understand so many things. I grew to hate this man that I never met more than ever. I even named him my sperm donor or sd for short. I grew to have such build up. I had a hard time understanding why someone could just leave. Then he never paid his child support, which to me was more than just the money. In my mind, it meant he didn’t care about my welfare. I could be dead on the street for all he knows. Needless to say, I felt abandoned.
Time and time again, I would reach out to people to try and solve this problem. However, most would tell me to just get over it. That it was wrong for me to feel this way. Well let me tell you, one can not just get over it, especially when you go to church each Sunday and everyone is expressing how grateful they are to have both their parents. Someone would say that I just needed to experience the atonement more in my life and it would be good. I admit, I am in the wrong. One should never have this much build up inside of them. Its bad for one to hate anyone in general. Christ teaches us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) and to love everyone. I’ve been trying to overcome this short coming in my life. For the most part, I just throw it in the back of my mind and vaulted it up. Hoping that it will all work out. I try not to think about it and don’t let others see that I have weaknesses.
Being on a mission has been hard. I’ve come to know that one can’t teach about eternal families unless one has a testimony in it. For about twenty months now, I’ve been trying to learn how to truly forgive this man. It’s been hard. I’ve come to learn that part of forgiving is also asking for forgiveness of the things you have done. For example, it wasn’t good that I named him sd. I took for granted the fact that he help bring me to this life. I took for granted the promise and trust that our Heavenly Father gives us in our family. I have learned many life skills and the importance the role the father plays in a child’s life. Though I haven’t fully come to forgive him just yet, I can find peace through my savior Jesus Christ. I can find peace that each experience helps us to become better. I’ve come to learn that the atonement of Jesus Christ can be applied in all aspects and that it can help us overcome the abandonment in our lives. Through Jesus Christ we can feel that the father in heaven will never abandon us. We can be loved through all the hard times. My father might have left on a sunny day but my father in heaven will be there through all the thunder storms.