My goal for 2019 was to fail, and boy did I accomplish that goal. I seemed to find failure in just about everything I tried to do. I failed at love, especially with one girl in particular. I failed at being a good roommate. I failed at three significant friendships. I failed at my job multiple times. Lastly, I was unable to realize that I had something that I loved so well, and I threw it all away.
I was so super excited for 2019 for the aspect that I couldn’t wait to date one person in particular. I loved her, and I was a little too crazy for her. However, I don’t think she and I were ever on the same page. We couldn’t ever make it work between us, and like all good things, it eventually died. I said goodbye to the one person that I ever really loved. That one was hard.
My next major failure of the year is the one that I’m the most embarrassed about. I failed about being a good roommate. In 2019, I lived with a friend, and I didn’t fully realize that he was struggling until it was too late. I left him alone because I knew that he was one that wanted space. Then, last few weeks, I came to realize how unhappy he was. I failed to be an excellent roommate to him and then tried to help him hard. Once I came to see how unhappy and miserable he was, I worked way too much to bring him happiness. In doing so, I feel that I pushed him away. This is the failure that I am most sorry. I feel so bad that I waited too long to do anything or even say anything. I had some inklings but failed to act on them. Then, I tried way too hard to overcorrect my behavior, and it wasn’t what he wanted. I failed my good friend. I failed him, and I’m so sorry about that. I doubt that he will ever read this, but to him, I truly am sorry. I let pride and fear get in the way of being there for someone that needed someone.
There are three friendships that I saw diminishing in this past year. One, I was too prideful to make anything happen. One, I came to see selfishness, and I have accepted this departure in my life. The last one, we were able to go back to where we were with a text, but I was too prideful to send the first one. I wasn’t that great of a friend this past year. I was rather selfish and in my world. I let myself down in this department overall. I allowed myself to get fixated on all sorts of things instead of being there for the people in my life.
When my personal life got hard, I turned to my job. I focused harder on creating campaigns that I could be proud of. I made some career highs and had some memorable moments. However, I had to take risks and I had to stretch in ways I didn’t think could happen. In doing so, I saw many campaigns not be as successful as I hoped them to be. In work, I learned that I had forgotten how to market at times properly. I failed time and time again. I even lost an asset after working countless hours on it. I was embarrassed about that one. Failing at work has made me evaluate if I also believe in the product that I’m trying to market. This failure is the one that I’m the proudest of this year.
I think it can be human nature to take things for granted. I’ve often had thoughts of wanting to change and not being grateful for my current situations. So, I forced a whole lot of new changes in my life. As I sit in a new world, I reflect on how blessed my life was, and I never fully saw that now. Two weeks ago, while sitting on a friend’s couch at home and asking lots of questions in the realm of dating, I came to realize how lucky I am to not be married this long in life. I have been so selfish and fixated on the aspect of being single. I have failed to see that at the moment, I was lucky to have the roommates that I have had in Utah. These roommates and connections have helped shape me, have taught me how to love in different capacities, and how to care for others. I’ve spent this year thinking wrongly about my life situations.
My thought and intentions were to get this post posted before 2020, but I have failed at doing so. I read this book about failure at the beginning of 2019, and I thought it was a new aspect to try to fail. I wanted to be comfortable and look at how failure can be a positive and learning experience. I don’t think I accomplished this overall goal because failing still sucks. As a perfectionist, it’s not fun to not succeed fully. However, I have come to realize that we should take failure as something to be evaluated and see what can be changed. Here’s to hoping 2020 is full of achievements.
Pursuit of Love 
Here’s to your continued success in life (which includes learning from failures)!